How To Be Supportive of Others or Blowing Out Other People’s Candles Won’t Make Yours Shine Brighter

Well, I guess the obvious answer is: “lots of waiting.” And then that opens up a whole other line of dialogue, plenty of which is helpful and supportive, some not as much. For instance:

A. How long do you have to wait? (To which I say something confident, “Oh hell, I don’t know.”)

B. What are you going to do while you wait? (To which I say, “Work on another book, I guess.”

C. Does your agent help you decide what to work on? (To which I say, “Yes! Definitely! She wants to see X or Z, but not A because the market for A is not good.”)

A. Be prepared for it not to sell at all. (To which I say, “Well, it’s possible, but I feel good about it. And I have a great agent, so I know it has the best shot possible in the market I write in.”)

B. Even the best agent can’t guarantee you a sale. (To which I say, “I think it will sell, but I do have other books I can polish up.”)

C. You can always self-publish it if it doesn’t sell. (To which I say, “I know, but I don’t think I want to right now.”)

Folks, when someone gets to this point–to having their book on submission with major publishers with a great agent backing them–they do not need to be prepared that their book may fail. They already know, and it is a great fear lurking in the back of their heads. Chances are very good that they have already faced rejection many, many times. They know the flavor of failure and disappointment. And quite possibly, they may have already reached a low point in their confidence level and risen like a phoenix out of the ashes of their own self-hatred and writerly despair. I know I have. A few years ago, when I had to go back to full-time work after several lovely years of raising babies and working part-time and writing during naps, I remember fearing that it was over, just as my writing was beginning to get the attention of agents. I had a gut feeling that I was ridiculously close to success, and if I could write just one more book, I would be able to land a great agent. But I didn’t see how one more book would be possible with the 9-5, the mountain of laundry, the baseball games, the wrestling tournaments, the teacher conferences, the birthday parties, the dishes in the sink,  family dinners, and all the joys and responsibilities that go with LIFE. I didn’t see enough hours in the day. For awhile, I shorted myself on sleep, trying to fit it all in. But soon, I settled into a routine of self-deprivation. And guess what? I felt resentful. And then I hated myself for feeling resentful. And since I’m not cool with wallowing in self-pity and I’ve already been through therapy for my old response to it–(I was a cutter as a teenager; there will probably be a book about that later, but the point is: I have grown)–I felt like I had to DO something about it. (See? YES! I have GROWN!) So after a brief but ugly period of time, I made sure to find time for my writing. But not without a price.

The price I have paid to finish that next book is a price my family has also paid. My kids want my attention sometimes and they have to wait. Dinner is often macaroni or hotdogs on paper plates because I get lost in a rewrite and forget to take the chicken out of the freezer. Hubby and I have missed out on social and familial get-togethers because I wanted, no, NEEDED to write. And well, just forget about wrinkle-free linens and clean, mated socks. Not in this house.

Believe me. It would have been easier if I had just quit. If I had just succumbed to the idea that I would fail on my quest to get an agent. If I had given up wishing that I could have some big imprint on the spine of my novels one day. It would be easier if I didn’t expect so much! But another thing I learned in therapy and want to share is that expecting a lot is the first step to getting a lot! You have to be honest with yourself about what you want from your life. You can’t settle for someone else’s wants and wishes. What’s big to me is small to you, and vice versa. So I don’t feel I’m making a judgment call when I say I am so happy and proud of my friends who have achieved their writing goals by taking advantage of growing trends in e-publishing and self-publishing. And I have certainly been impressed with the living that one can make from a successful career in either. But that isn’t my dream. I shouldn’t have to chase someone else’s dreams for people to be happy for me. I want what I want, and I won’t settle. One day I might want something different, and I will be HAPPY with something different when I’m the one who wants it.

I agree, that at times an aspiring author may need a reality check. And a good person to deliver said check is a mentor or a writing club member that has formed a relationship with the aspiring author. Even then, let’s be honest–there are some things that you just do not say. You can not be walking around popping other people’s bubbles and expecting that they will appreciate you for it. Indicating that someone who has achieved a goal after ten years of hard work ought to now steel themselves for failure is just plain hurtful and breeds negativity in an industry that is TOUGH AS HELL to thrive in. Instead of predicting failure, we need to support, build up, and celebrate each other’s successes–even small ones. And most importantly, we need to believe there is enough success to go around. There is no shortage of happiness in the world. Only a shortage of people who choose to seek it, see it, embrace it, share it, channel it, direct it, BE it.