Another new year is about to dawn and I’m all “Whoa there, Silver, what happened to 2011?” It seems like it went by in a flash, and there have been times in the past three months when I felt frustrated that I wasn’t writing as much as I ought to be. I mean, hello. I signed with an agent this year. I should be more excited than ever to write! Right? Well, actually it’s been more complicated than that. It turns out I still have a serious case of fear and anxiety about this publishing business. So I’ve spent some time recently reflecting, and asking Spirit for some help.
I don’t know what I was expecting. A bolt of lightening maybe? Maybe I hoped I could just close my eyes and wait for Spirit to take control so I wouldn’t have to do a thing. Well, you don’t have to be a genius to know that if you want to be a writer, you have to actually write. I spent some time this fall feeling lost and really, really poopy about myself. I really let myself sink down into the feeling because I was sure that if I did, I would suddenly get hit with the inspiration to do something amazing. Well, I didn’t exactly have a burning bush moment, but as the new year approaches, I am slowly grasping a few important things.
First, 2011 was a great year for me. The problem, I think, was that it started off with a ginormous bang, and I expected it to keep crackling like a fireworks display. It didn’t. When the excitement of having achieved a huge goal wore off, I was left with a feeling of letdown, rather than gratefulness. Suddenly, I needed a new goal, and the natural next goal was to sign a publishing contract. I wanted it to happen fast so I could continue riding that high. But you can’t sign what isn’t yet offered, and while I still know it is going to happen some day, all I could think about was what I didn’t have–that publishing contract. I was working really, really hard, and I felt really,really close, but at the end of each day, no cigar. I decided to take a break around September (the last time I blogged) to do a show at the local opera house, which was a total blast. There is something very invigorating about musical theater, and when I do a show, even though I’m not a great actress or dancer, I feel like I’m channeling this powerful energy that lights me up from the inside. (Yes, I know that sounds corny, but it really feels like that!) I fully intended to fill up my little cup on stage, and then come home and get right back to business when it was over in late October.
But I totally didn’t. Halloween came and went, and then my son’s birthday, and then Thanksgiving, and then MY birthday, and then the holidays, and here we are. Tick, tock. And again, I’ve been beating myself up over it. Well, I’m going to stop now, and try to lay that to rest. Because while I wasn’t writing, it wasn’t like NOTHING was going on. I mean, LIFE was happening. I spent some quality time with a dear friend, with my family. And I did some deep thinking and reflecting. I asked Spirit to help me out, and I really opened myself to books and articles and quotes that came my way. If something grabbed my attention, I checked it out thoroughly.
It was amazing how the same messages kept coming to me through different avenues. Messages about letting go of expectations. Messages about “just knowing” that Spirit has a plan. Messages about trusting your inner guidance about your gifts and your life’s purpose. A million little affirmations that I’m a writer. No matter what I do for a living, storytelling is at the heart of who I am and what I’m on this earth to do.
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of holiday activities. I have never been very good at letting go and just seeing where the holidays take me. I’ve been trying for a long time to figure out how to enjoy a season when there are so many obligations and responsibilities to meet. I decided to release my expectations, and see what happened. I just refused to make plans that I wasn’t 100% able to give myself to. In a couple of instances I’m sure someone felt let down because of that, but I tried to do it with kindness because I really didn’t mean anything by being a homebody. I just need this time to be with my thoughts and feelings.
I had some amazing ideas this past week. Ideas so quiet I would have missed them if I hadn’t let myself slow down.
I realized that while I still want very much to publish as MANY books as possible traditionally, I also want to write for me. Just for me. That has been the hard part of the rewriting this past year. I feel like the suggestions have been excellent. It is an honor for book-smart people to take your creative work seriously enough to offer strategies for improving the message or the payoff to readers. I want my work to be the best it can be, and if there is a window of opportunity for a story to sit on a shelf in a bookstore somewhere, I WANT THAT 🙂 But, there are stories I want to write and share that may not grab a publishers attention ever. And I WANT THOSE STORIES ALSO, and if I want them, perhaps someone out there will also enjoy reading them. I have always been careful about sharing my writing online, and I think as a writer, you need to be careful, but if the things you are posting online are of good quality, are ONLY to be shared there, and you want to give them away for FREE, I think it is not such a bad idea. You?
And this is sort of cliche, but I realized that life really IS too short to walk around feeling BLUH about anything for more than a few minutes. I mean, you can’t control things that happen to you, but being miserable is a choice. If something is making me unhappy, I have to change it. But I also need to make sure I’m not carrying around unrealistic expectations. Because driving yourself to meet unrealistic expectations is a one-way ticket to Misery-ville. I’m a fairly happy-go-lucky person, but I will admit I’ve carried around some expectations I’d be better off without. “I’ll be happier when…” “If I could just…then I’d be able to relax.” “I can’t watch television tonight with my husband until…” Happiness truly is wanting what you’ve got. It’s not just a Sheryl Crowe song, it’s one of those universal truths.
