Not Mushy Happy Love Day Rant

So we all know Valentines Day is about the power of lurve, right? We give out chocolates and mushy cards, and have romantic dinners with our special people. We call our moms. We get flowers (um… mine haven’t arrived yet, but I’m SURE they’re coming…) It’s one of the nicest days of the year. But this year, I’m doing something a little different. I’m thinking about self love, and something’s been bugging me for the past year or two that I think I need to rectify. So why not today?

I’m dropping my subscription to a well-known women’s fitness and health magazine.

Wait. Does not compute. I’m dropping a subscription to a magazine designed to help me take better care of myself, and I’m doing this in the name of self love?

Yes. Allow me to explain. This was my fave magazine several years back. I really loved the stories and advice. And the photos of fit, but not skinny or fake, women were powerful motivators for me during a time when I needed countless reasons to stay on the healthy bandwagon. So when my kids came home selling magazine subscriptions a few years ago, I thought, well, why not? I bought a two year subscription.

Well the reunion has royally sucked to tell you the truth. It’s like getting back with an old boyfriend, and you discover he’s not only not as sweet as you remembered him to be (or as good in bed), but he’s also developed some seriously revolting new habits that he thinks are charming.
Unfair comparison? Let us browse the magazine…

1). Cover – complete with an actress sporting not only a skimpy white bikini (that is decidedly not athletic unless your talking about Olympic man-hunting in Waikiki, which might be fun, but not why I buy this magazine), too-white-to-be-natural teeth, and a tan too brown to ever come natural on a blonde. And did I mention she’s extremely fit? Oh, yes. She definitely IS. But not in an attainable sort of way. I don’t find her photos encouraging. Maybe you do, but I don’t. And a quick survey of my friends gets raised eyebrows and a lot of “whatevers.” Hubby doesn’t comment. Which means I’m spot on in my assessment that this cover belongs on the front of a Sports Illustrated magazine (which he also does not comment on, at least to me because he knows what’s good for him).

2. The Workout – is professionally designed… to confuse my mind and harm my body. Srsly. This isn’t for women who want to get in shape, this is designed for women who are athletic machines already. One who look like the cover model – no wait – that IS the cover model in the photos!!! It’s her workout. The workout is called your shortcut to slim, but I think it would be more aptly titled, your shortcut to the emergency room.

3. Oh, wait, here, I’ve struck gold!! There’s an article on how to look richer for under $200!!! Look, I appreciate the sentiment. Most of us want to look a little better, and like being show how to throw a cute outfit together with little fuss. I like make-up, nice clothes, cute accessories and shoes (I so love shoes and bags). I’ve even been known to practice retail therapy, so I really don’t want to sound judgy. But I really loathe the indication that there is a “recession-proof” way to keep up with Hollywood and rich people.

4. A health article. On how washing your hands with soap and warm water might actually keep you healthier – interesting! Although I believe I got this same advice for free from my mother several years ago.

5. Probiotics article. Is it the new wonder ingredient? New? *snort* No. This is ancient wisdom we’re talking about here. The idea that probiotics are a “new wonder ingredient” being added to packaged foods is whacked and insulting to those who have been looking for live cultures on their yogurt containers for years. I respect science, and I understand it’s new because “they” have finally done studies that agree the hippies were right, but I still think it’s easier and usually healthier to subscribe to mother-knows-best. And here’s what she said – you do not need anything that is enriched with magic ingredients if you’re already eating a healthy varied diet. (And varied doesn’t mean full of artificial sweeteners substituted for the genetically modified high-fructose corn syrup, either, but I’m working on that. Baby steps.)

6. Nestled in the middle of a really yummy looking recipe spread using healthy whole foods is a Weight Watchers ad. My beef isn’t with WW. I’ve done the diet. It didn’t work for me, but it works for lots of people. Meh. Good for them. What I’m talking about is… an ad for packaged diet foods endorsed by WW. The Mom inside my head says “Run.” Want brownies? Make some normal homemade brownies with your normal sugar, flour, and eggs, once a month when you have company over to help you eat them. Then you can’t eat the whole pan. That’s a solution that has worked for my family. Also nestled in here? Coupons for packaged diet foods. Because it’s a recession you know, and we need coupons to help us with our consumerism now.

7. Pages and pages of ads for diet pills, which we know are not good for us. If you are ever tempted to take diet pills, you will see (and I used to have an eating disorder, so I would know) that these products come with some really awful warnings on the boxes. Do not take if… May cause… Stop taking immediately if… And oh my goodness, I think these ads have always been in here all along, even back when I was a fan of the mag, but I guess I was just willing to overlook them when I was younger.

OKAY. ENUFF. If you’re still reading, you get the point. I’m a chubby, judgmental, disgruntled daughter of a hippie who struggles enough with what is healthy and good. And like a gajillion other women with self-image issues, I’m looking to this magazine for advice! What asshattery is that? In all fairness, I still like the success stories, sometimes they have a workout that doesn’t look like I’d end up in traction when I’m done, and they do a bang up job of at sharing readers stories of how they conquered health crises. But it’s just not enough to keep me buying.

Besides, all these glossy pages are bad for the environment. Yes, I love myself enough to get rid of my health magazines!